


we've got all the ingredients except you loving me

by merlypops



Series: 5SOS Song Oneshots [16]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Porn, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Cake, Crushes, Cunnilingus, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Friendship/Love, Genderbending, Girl 5sos, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Moving On, Oral Sex, Relationship(s), Requited Love, Sex Toys, Smut, Song Lyrics, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, Vaginal Sex, cis girl calum, cis girl luke, girl!calum, girl!luke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-20 23:56:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4807115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Lu thought they were friends with benefits – friends with benefits who shared a bed and a pet dog and each other’s clothes, friends with benefits who kissed slow and soft when they woke up in the mornings before work – but <i>Cal</i> didn’t know what she thought anymore.<br/>She only knew what she <i>wished</i> for but Lu didn’t want the same things and Cal’s dreams stayed locked away inside, crumbling to dust just like everything else had.<br/>Lu could never find out that Cal had fallen in love with her.<br/>Not ever.'</p><p>
  <b>Cal falls in love but Lu can't make herself say it back at first, and everything is torn to pieces.</b>
</p><p>Based on "Cake" by Melanie Martinez.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we've got all the ingredients except you loving me

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this fic in my head for a little while now and it's finally written itself! It took a good few weeks though so I hope I got it all right!  
> (And, Brax, the song choice was for you. Yes, I really do think I'm so funny.)  
> I hope you guys will enjoy this!
> 
> Also "Broken Pieces" by 5sos really reminds me of this fic!

They’d been together since college, five years now and Lu had still never told Cal she loved her so Cal kept the words locked in too, fermenting on her tongue because she had never been brave enough to take the first step.

The pair were living together, had been since they were eighteen years old, back when they were both young and wide-eyed with dreams they were still chasing. The stars were fading in their eyes now though and everything looked more _real_ in the cold light of day, less attainable.

Lu thought they were friends with benefits – friends with benefits who shared a bed and a pet dog and each other’s clothes, friends with benefits who kissed slow and soft when they woke up in the mornings before work – but _Cal_ didn’t know what she thought anymore.

She only knew what she _wished_ for – what she _still_ hoped and prayed for if she was being honest with herself – but Lu didn’t want the same things and Cal’s dreams stayed locked away inside, crumbling to dust just like everything else had.

Lu could never find out that Cal had fallen in love with her.

Not ever.

It was easy to hide it at first. Cal insisted that she wasn’t blushing when Lu did something sweet and her cheeks flamed – she just pretended that she was too hot. Cal insisted that the sounds that she fought to suppress after Lu made her come with her tongue were just slurred moans and not three words that would have ruined _everything_ if the older girl had said them out loud. Cal tried to pretend that the sparkling in her chocolate brown eyes and the fluttering of her heart in her chest had absolutely _nothing_ to do with Lu.

(Later, when Cal lay sleepless in her bed and the blonde girl had long since left, Cal would wonder if perhaps it was _her_ fault, if perhaps saying those three words out loud sooner might have persuaded Lu to stay instead of fleeing and tearing the ground out from beneath the older girl’s feet – but there was no use thinking like that. Cal would never find out. She _could_ never find out now. It was impossible to go back in time and change things. She could never see Lu again.)

“I still don’t understand why you eat banana on toast.” Cal’s words were rough with exhaustion and they came out muffled because she was cradling her tired head in her hands. The pair of them were sitting at their little dining table with their legs tangled beneath it. The back of Lu’s hand was as warm as an oven when Cal let her palm fall to rest gently over it.

“Don’t be so judgemental,” Lu grumbled as she sliced her banana up carefully, making sure each sliver was the same size. “People eat peanut butter and jam all the time – why’s this such a big deal?”

“Because it’s _banana_ , Lucy,” Cal complained, taking a sip of her sugar-sweetened coffee and pulling a face at how strong it still was. “It’s just _weird_.”

“Shut up. _You’re_ weird,” Lu countered but she smiled against Cal’s lips when she leant forwards to press their mouths gently together. Cal’s lips parted with a soft gasp when the taller girl’s hand fell to settle on her thigh, just a little _too_ high up to be strictly chaste, and Lu took the opportunity to slip her tongue into Cal’s mouth, hot and wet.

“Maybe you’re right about the toast,” Lu muttered against Cal’s lips, drawing away as she pushed Cal’s chair back against the wall and sank down onto her knees in front of her. Cal bit her full bottom lip hard, spreading her legs unconsciously as she watched Lu with darkening chocolate brown eyes. “I can think of something _much_ better to eat.”

“This is unhygienic,” Cal mumbled stupidly and Lu grinned at her, tucking her long blonde hair behind her pierced ears before she shuffled forwards, rucking Cal’s skirt up around her hips. Cal’s knickers were satin, a vibrant dark purple that made Lu’s eyes darken when she saw them.

“Damn, Cally,” the taller girl said in a low, almost _reverent_ voice. Cal spread her legs wider and Lu groaned. “You know I love this colour on you.”

“Yeah, I do.” Cal exhaled shakily as Lu slid them off down the older girl’s long tanned legs but she had to bite back a whine when Lu spread Cal gently with her thumbs, revealing the soft skin underneath, shiny and slick and pink.

Lu’s lips were so soft when they finally encountered Cal’s cunt and the dark-haired girl squeezed her eyes shut tightly as a soft moan climbed out of her throat. The metal of Lu’s lip-ring was cool against the older girl’s overheated skin and Cal tried to take a deep breath, tried to stay calm so that she wouldn't get all disgusting and sweat her makeup off before work except... except it was _hard_ when Lu was kneeling down between her thighs with her mouth latched onto the tiny mound of Cal's clit, suckling at it like it was her favourite thing to do.

Staying calm became _impossible_ when Lu's hands slipped round to grip Cal's bum, pulling her closer so that she could lick up into her cunt, hot and slow.

Cal's head fell back against the seat and her too-bright eyes – clouded with lust and framed with dark, tear-wet lashes – settled on the clock on the wall. She had to leave for work in ten minutes and that realisation sent a little surge of adrenaline shooting through her, made her grind hard against Lu's willing face as Cal thrust her hips clumsily, desperately. Her fingers tangled in Lu's thick blonde hair and the younger girl's tongue was this perfect pressure, making Cal all hot and sensitive, even though she hadn't even _come_ yet.

Lu nuzzled her nose into the dark curls between Cal's legs but her pupils were blown, hiding her pretty sky blue irises from view. Lu looked so good down on her knees for Cal, all soft swollen lips and innocent eyes and cheeks flushed a hot pink as she inhaled shallowly through her nose. It made Cal’s breath leave her in pants, made her shiver as Lu fucked her tongue up into the older girl’s cunt, humming softly so that the vibrations made Cal shudder, made her hips jerk harder.

Maybe Lu had glanced at the time too because she began to work Cal harder now, sucking at the older girl's clit like it was a cock with her eager mouth, hot and wet and perfect.

Cal's thighs were beginning to tremble and she knew she would have fallen if she'd been standing up. Lu's tongue felt too good running over her clit, making Cal's breath escape her in ragged gasps. There was a fire coiling low in Cal’s stomach like molten lava and the burning only spread as Lu pushed forwards, licking up roughly into Cal's cunt like she meant to taste all of her before this was over. Lu dug her fingertips into the soft tanned skin on the underside of the older girl's thighs and Cal whimpered.

"I – _L-Lu_!" Cal gasped out urgently, squeezing her tear-wet eyes so tightly shut that she'd need to do her eye makeup again probably but – but, _fuck_ , Lu was licking up hot into her cunt again now, deeper – like she _belonged_ there almost, although Cal tried not to think like that – and the little desperate sounds escaping the older girl became full-on moans as her stomach tightened and she began to flutter.

All it took was Lu licking one last time, hot and so goddamn _perfect_ , and Cal was done, whining high in her throat as she quivered, grinding her tender swollen clit down against Lu's teeth as she shook her orgasm out.

Lu lapped at her greedily until Cal whined again, soft and desperate and oversensitive, nudging the beautiful blonde girl gently away. Lu's face was shining with Cal's come but she smiled slow and easy, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and flattening her blonde hair carefully where Cal had knotted her fingers into it.

“Mmm,” Lu said with a soft smirk, straightening up and stretching her back out before she dropped back down into her chair again, continuing to slice up her banana. Cal was panting, struggling to straighten her clothes as her tits heaved in her black lacy bra beneath her blouse. Her coffee had gone cold. “I was right, Cal. _You_ taste _much_ better than toast.”

“S-shut up,” Cal said breathlessly but there was a faint smile curving her full lips all the same. “You’re such a -”

“Good friend?” Lu suggested cheerfully and Cal’s heart gave a little jolt in her chest at that.

 _Friend_. Just a _friend_.

“Go to work, Cally,” Lu said quietly and there was something buried in her eyes as she finished making her breakfast. “I’ll see you later.”

*

Cal daydreamed the day away thinking about Lu, remembering the sugary taste of her mouth and the soft pads of her fingers as she pressed little bruises into the tanned skin of Cal’s hips like flower petals. Cal thought about how fucking _safe_ she felt when she was wrapped in Lu’s arms. She fought to ignore the hollow ache in her chest that accompanied the feeling of still _missing_ something. She distracted herself with the comforting scent of Lu’s vanilla perfume instead, with the buttercream-sweet taste of her tongue and her cunt and her fingers in Cal’s mouth, tucking inside for the older girl to suck on while they were fucking.

Lu filled Cal’s head up, clouding her senses, so damn irresistible that disagreeing with her was _impossible_. Cal wanted Lu - _all_ of her - and it stung that she couldn’t, hurt so bad that it felt like the beautiful blonde girl was trying to cut Cal’s heart right out of her chest.

Cal had fallen for Lu within six months of meeting her but she’d prayed at the time that the feelings would pass, had seen the negative aspects of Lu that she no longer saw nowadays.

When Cal was younger, she’d seen Lu’s jealousy and indecisiveness, her fear of commitment and that one tiny streak in her that was downright _cruel_ but… but that was all gone now, hidden beneath the waves of _love_ that blurred Cal’s vision.

She just wanted to make Lu happy, wanted to keep right on loving her and being close to her no matter what because Lu was _everything_ to her - had _always_ been everything to her - and Cal couldn’t see that changing -

And then everything went to hell.

The pair of them fell into bed quickly after dinner that night, losing themselves in searching lips and hot skin and the stretch of silicone.

Cal brought Lu to the edge with her mouth and her fingers - repaying her for that morning in the kitchen - and the blonde girl threw her head back when she grew close, pressing her head back into the pillows. She jerked her head away when Cal’s lips settled on her neck, like she was scared the older girl was going to leave a mark, but Cal swallowed past the sudden lump in her throat, kept moving her hand as she fucked the toy in deep and watched Lu fall apart before her eyes.

“God, I love you.”

Cal didn’t know where the words had come from. One minute she was stroking Lu's long blonde hair away from her sweaty forehead and the next she was blurting out the words she'd been too terrified to say for almost five years.

" _W-what_?" Lu choked out and Cal's eyes were wet with tears now as she shook her head silently, jaw hanging slack.

"Lu, it's true," Cal said weakly, dropping her hands to knot her fingers in the purple sheets.

' _Damn, Cally. I love this colour on you._ ' **Love**. Cal choked on a sob.

" _N-no_!" Lu's crystal blue eyes were wide and wild, her eyelashes sparkly with tears.

When she spoke, her voice was weak, faint. "W-why'd you say that? _W-when_ did you...?"

Lu wriggled away from Cal, taking her sweet-smelling skin and her soft blonde hair with her.

"Because I do," Cal murmured and she sounded so, _so_ exhausted. "I have done for y-years.”

Lu was crying as she pushed herself up shakily, staggering out of the bed with her arms wrapped around herself to hide her nakedness. She shrugged into a dressing gown - it was Cal’s and the sight made the brown-eyed girl choke down on a sob - and Lu’s words were barely legible when she spoke next: “I’m s-sleeping on the sofa t-tonight.”

The bedroom door slammed shut and Molly let out a mournful howl, the sound muffled through the wood as Lu tripped downstairs, blind with tears.

Cal curled up in a ball and sobbed, terrified that she’d torn everything up, left it in broken shards of glass that clawed at the cold air and drew blood. Cal’s heart felt dead in her chest and, eventually, unconsciousness claimed her.

She’d hoped that a calmness would come with the morning light but she felt _raw_ when she woke up, like her nerves had been stretched out too tightly and spiked with electricity. Cal felt numb as she pushed herself up shakily into a sitting position and saw her dressing gown lying crumpled on the floor.

A lump rose in her throat when she noticed that one side of the wardrobe was empty, that she couldn’t hear Molly scratching in the hallway outside… that the bed beside her was cold, cold, _cold_.

When Cal realised Lu was gone, her heart tore itself to pieces in her chest. 

*

Cal couldn’t feel the sun on her skin anymore. The stars barely glowed in the sky. The sunsets were pale and washed out. She felt more lonely than she could ever remember feeling.

Cal tried her hardest to forget what had happened but it was impossible, even if she was only thinking _practically_ , because she could barely afford the rent on her own and the double bed was too big for one person and there was still a whole pack of Molly’s unopened dog food in the cupboard above the fridge.

Cal threw the purple sheets away, only to drag them out of the bin several minutes later and fling them into the washing machine so viciously that she caught her hand on the countertop. She ended up sitting curled up on the floor, crying in the corner of the too-cramped kitchen beside the mat where Molly’s water bowl used to be, beside the little rickety table and the chair that Lu had pushed back against the wall and -

Cal seemed to cry a lot these days.

They were worried at work, her mother even more so. She didn’t laugh anymore or tell any of her stupid jokes that had once been so common. She didn’t go out in the evenings anymore and she ate lunch alone every day, tearing her sandwiches to tiny pieces as she listened to the same songs on repeat, day in and day out.

She listened to “Heartbeat Slowing Down” by The All-American Rejects in the mornings, when she was spooning cereal into her mouth on autopilot as she stared at the Twitter feed on her phone with glazed eyes, not really seeing any of the posts her eyes drifted over.

“ _I still remember that empty look left on your face; you took the pictures but you left the frames_.”

She listened to “Cake” by Melanie Martinez during her break times at work, when she was trying in vain to convince herself that Lu was more to blame than she was (and if Cal started smoking again and spent a lot of her time hiding behind the bike sheds with several tear-wet screwed-up tissues clenched in her fist, nobody else mentioned it).

“ _I’m not a piece of cake for you to just discard when you walk away_.”

She listened to “Incomplete” by James Bay when she was wandering home from work, half blind with tears as the vehicles rumbled past and she silently prayed that one might swerve onto the pavement and hit her.

“ _The world will turn and we’ll grow, we’ll learn how to be… how to be incomplete_.”

She listened to “UNI” by Ed Sheeran on repeat when she went for late-night runs, trying to burn herself out enough that she’d pass out when she got home, too tired to _think_.

“ _Pain is only relevant if it still hurts. I forget like an elephant, or we can use a sedative and go back to the day we fell in love on our first kiss_.”

She listened to “Ghost” by Halsey late into the night, tangled in the purple sheets when the tears boiled down her flushed cheeks and silent sobs shook her body.

“ _My ghost, where’d you go? What happened to the soul that you used to be?_ ”

Cal might have laughed at herself if she’d felt anything but fucking _despair_ inside because… because they’d had _everything_ , all of the ingredients that should have added up to make a recipe for the perfect life – except Lu needing Cal… because Lu had _never_ needed Cal. She’d never _let_ herself.

Not once. 

*

Six months.

Six months had passed and Cal still felt just as raw as she had done on that very first morning, waking up alone for the first time in five years… in half a _fucking_ decade…

Cal didn’t remember very much of it.

Her days had all blurred together, like an old photograph fading in the sunlight until the colours were all gone. Her lungs rattled with smoke and she barely remembered to eat anymore.

Her mother was afraid. Cal would have said she wished she was dead but that would have actually meant she _wanted_ something and… and the only thing she wanted was Lu… and she could _never_ have Lu again.

Cal left her job.

She was very quiet about it, emailing her manager to give her notice in and numbly answering whatever queries the older woman asked her during their last catch-up together about what her future plans were.

Everything Cal said was a lie. She had no new job lined up. She had no way of paying for anything… but she didn’t care anymore.

On Cal’s last day at work she was given a box of all of her things that she had accumulated during her five years at the office. There was a **Sorry You’re Leaving!** banner taped to the side of it and Cal barely managed to control herself until she got home.

The words were taunting her though, reminding her of the hopeless fear in Lu’s eyes before she left Cal forever and - and their crockery was smashed to pieces and Cal was curled up among the mess, sinking down with her back pressed against the fridge as she cried for hours.

She had no food in the house, no money to pay rent… no inclination to shower or walk or sleep or even fucking _breathe_ anymore.

Cal moved back in with her mother, locked herself away in the room she’d had as a teenager and stared numbly up at the ceiling as the lead sky roiled outside, churning with stormclouds that threatened to cleave the world apart. The thunder rumbled dully in the distance and Cal’s heart beat unevenly in her chest, faltering and weak.

Her mother wouldn’t let her smoke in the house. She made Cal go to the doctors with her and she tried to get her daughter to take antidepressants but Cal didn’t want them.

She wished her mother would understand that she was simply planning to lie here until she died.

Unfortunately, nobody else seemed to agree with this plan though.

Cal’s mother tried every single day to get her youngest daughter to leave the house but nothing ever worked until she sent Cal’s older sister in instead.

It was dark in Cal’s bedroom, the curtains pulled tightly shut to block out the sunlight.

“Oh, babe,” Mali-Koa said softly and Cal looked up with wet eyes, felt something in her chest tighten at the sight of her older sister leaning against her doorframe uncertainly.

“H-how are you h-here?” Cal murmured, her voice hoarse from misuse. Mali shrugged, stepping in over the mess of clothes on the floor and sitting down on the edge of the bed cautiously. She held Cal’s hand gently, rubbed her thumb over the outline of her little sister’s bones and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.

“I came,” Mali said simply. “I couldn’t be away any longer. Not when mum…”

Cal let her eyes flutter shut, like that was going to make Mali stop talking. Fortunately though, it had the desired effect. Cal didn’t think she could _bear_ to hear the pain she’d inevitably put their mother through.

“Can I wash your hair for you?” Mali asked quietly and Cal murmured a soft sound of assent, uncaring now.

“Good,” Mali said and there was the smallest smile in her voice as she slipped an arm carefully around Cal’s waist, helping her up into a sitting position. “Can we dye your hair purple and green too?”

Cal considered for just a moment. “No,” she said quietly and her lips didn’t quite tug up into a faint smile at that but it was very close. “Nice try though.”

“Thanks, babe,” Mali grinned, entwining her fingers gently with Cal’s as she led her into the bathroom, taking in the blotchy but vaguely determined look on her younger sister’s pinched face with something like pride.

Things kind of began to look up after that.

Mali helped Cal a lot.

She said useful things too, told Cal her favourite quotes or sang her songs or made pointed comments like: “Take your pills. You’re going to feel sick for a little while probably but then they’re going to help. Then you can get out of bed and do things and _live_ again, Calandra.”

“Don’t fucking call me that,” Cal mumbled every time Mali said it but it worked. She got out of bed and took her pills, and the sun shone brighter because of it.

Mali took her to get her hair cut neatly and she bought Cal new clothes because the younger girl had lost so much weight that nothing she’d owned before fit her anymore.

They went out to get dinner sometimes - Mali didn’t need to be told to avoid places Lu had used to enjoy although a tiny part of Cal was in agony because she didn’t know if the beautiful blonde girl was even still in _Sydney_ now - and they went for long walks too, to clear Cal’s head and give her a chance to get some fresh air to make up for all of the months she had locked herself away inside.

She was trying to stop smoking too although that proved almost impossible because she couldn’t quite bring herself to throw them away. She kept promising Mali she’d cut down on them instead until, finally, Cal couldn’t stand the slight disappointment on the older girl’s face anymore… so Cal threw them into sea during one of their long walks.

It was probably _really_ bad but it felt cathartic.

When Mali helped Cal apply for a new job online, the younger girl’s worry was enormous. This was a big deal - scarier than having her hair cut or eating proper meals or actually going _outside_ again.

Mali helped Cal prepare for the interview, leant her a blazer and the older girl’s lucky bracelet, and Cal somehow managed to _ace_ it. She got the job and, after a few months of saving up her wages - during which time Mali had to go back to her own home for a couple of weeks to organise things - Cal was able to put down a deposit on a flat not far from her new office.

It was nice there, light and airy, and slightly bigger than their old place although it was cheaper too, since it was further out of the city.

She painted the walls white, kept the colour scheme pale greens and creams and yellows - summery colours because it was her favourite time of year - and Cal felt better there.

She liked it best when Mali came to stay with her at the weekends, or her mother when she wasn’t busy with work. Cal liked the way they took care of her and made her dinner, but she liked looking after them too - and if looking after them meant microwaving them lasagne and making them watch “The Lord Of The Rings” movies with her… well, she had no complaints.

Cal’s bed was still double but she filled it with cushions and some of the toys she’d taken from her old bedroom back home, and it felt less lonely in there now. She had a little vase on her bedside table too, full of lavender that fell _everywhere_ , sprinkling the clean wooden surface with tiny, wavy little petals that looked like shards of amethyst in the sunlight.

Mali gradually came round less and less as time went on but that was okay. They still met up a lot, whether it was to go grocery shopping or have a movie night or a long walk, or even just for a quick check-up before Mali went off travelling for work again. It was still good though.

Cal was trying to go out with the people from work more. She went to the pub with them occasionally and Cal sipped a lemonade and sat away from the door so she wouldn’t be tempted by the cigarette smoke, and it was almost _fun_ sometimes.

For the first time in a long time, Cal was alive again.

She wasn’t fine. She wasn’t _happy_ \- not even _close_ to that - but she was okay.

Cal was still there, still breathing, with the sunlight warm on her skin.

She’d be alright. 

*

Almost a year had passed now and things were different. Better.

Cal didn’t need the antidepressants anymore. She could keep her flat tidy and clean on her own, could keep the fridge stocked and the bills paid without needing her mother or her older sister to help her. She put some of the weight back on, remembered to eat and exercise and drink a lot of water so she didn’t feel ill.

It all helped.

Cal just wished she didn’t still feel like she was missing something important, something that she was trying _very_ hard not to think about.

It was no good though.

She still missed Lu so much it ached, a real stabbing pain in her chest. Cal tried to lose herself in the smell of the lavender on her bedside table though and sometimes it worked.

Sometimes she didn’t remember to cry herself to sleep because she’d kept herself busy during the evenings, knitting or reading or writing emails to her father where he was living in Scotland.

She’d started to speak to her grandmother a lot more now too, chatted to her on the phone as she leant on the iron railing surrounding her balcony and gazed out over the outskirts of the city.

Cal liked dusk best, when the headlights of passing cars were twinkling like tiny golden ants below as they tore up the highway, snaking through the barren hilltops that stretched out in front of the block of flats.

There were more signs of the city behind her, the roads and the skyscrapers and all of the people.

Cal liked that her beloved flat was facing away from all of that though.

She liked being able to see the stars and the moon in the sky, hazy through the orange fog of light pollution but still present and beautiful and _pure_.

Cal knew when she woke up one morning that something was different.

There was a certain energy crackling in the air, a tension almost, like the world was an elastic band that had been stretched too tightly and it was about to snap.

The sky was washed out, the clouds thick and grey.

When the doorbell rang and Cal answered the phone without looking, her heart shuddered in her chest at the familiar voice crackling over the intercom.

“C-Cal? It’s m-me. Can you let me in? P-Please?”

Lu. _Lu_. **_Lu_**.

Cal’s knees felt weak. She covered her mouth with her hands to keep the sob in but Lu must have still heard it because an answering one sounded. Cal’s hands were trembling as she raised the phone from where she had let it fall to rest against the wall.

“I’ll come down,” the older girl whispered.

The lift seemed to take an age to arrive and Cal’s foot tapped the ground restlessly as she travelled down six floors to the reception area. It was deserted because it was so early in the morning and Cal was grateful for that.

Her face was blotchy with tears and she was beginning to wonder if maybe she’d _imagined_ it when Lu appeared on the other side of the glass doors, pale and grey-faced, thinner than she had been and crying helplessly with her arms wrapped around herself. Her tear-streaked face lit up when she saw Cal though and it took the older girl’s breath away.

Looking at Lu was like watching the sun break through the clouds.

Cal hit the release button on the door shakily and found that she was holding her breath as Lu hesitated before finally stumbling in.

“What are you doing here?” Cal breathed and her voice was hollow with shock.

Lu swallowed audibly, her beautiful sky blue eyes red with tears.

“Y-your… your mum told me where… where you lived…” The blonde girl blinked hard, drying her eyes with the back of her hand and letting out a ragged little sob. Her voice was surprisingly steady when she spoke though. “I… I hope you don’t mind. I… I needed to see you.”

“Why?” Cal whispered. “Are you sick?”

“ _W-what_?” Lu’s voice cracked and she looked confused. “No! I… W-why would you think that?”

“Because why else would you come here?” Cal breathed, shouldering past Lu clumsily so that she could feel the early morning sunlight on her skin as she breathed in the fresh air.

Lu’s blonde hair was longer now, almost down to her waist as she ran her fingers through it nervously.

“Because I love you.”

The words were quiet and soft, _fearful_ almost, like the younger girl feared rejection (and if Cal had been in her right frame of mind, she might have found that ironic but… but Cal _wasn’t_. She was reeling with shock and Lu’s words were like air in her lungs).

“ _W-what_?” Cal breathed shakily and… and suddenly it was almost impossible to stay standing.

“I love you,” Lu whispered, her cornflower blue eyes shining with tears. “And I’m so, _so_ sorry that it took me so long to realise it.”

“I… I d-don’t…” Cal shook her head slowly, her chocolate brown eyes wide as her curls tumbled into her eyes. “W-when did you realise you…?”

“It was so stupid,” Lu breathed but there was the tiniest hint of a smile tugging at her pale lips and her stupid lip-ring was still there and… and _fuck_ , Cal still loved her as much as she had on that very first day she’d realised it.

“What happened?” the older girl whispered and Lu’s lips twitched contagiously.

“I kept listening to “Back To December” by Taylor Swift because I’m f-fucking _lame_ ,” Lu confessed and her voice barely shook. “I… D-damnit, Cally, it’s so fucking stupid but… but it made me _think_ and I… I realised I’d let you slip through my fingers when I should have stayed holding you so fucking tightly and… and I n-never appreciated what I had until I lost you and… and I couldn’t take it anymore! I tried to find you _months_ ago but I was too scared to go to your mum until… until a fortnight ago… and… and then I was too afraid to come here… I… C-Cally, I understand if you don’t want this. I w-wouldn’t _blame_ you for not w-wanting to take me back b-but -”

Cal’s brain seemed to have short-circuited. All she could think to say was: “So that’s why mum was being weird and didn’t ask me round for dinner last week.”

“ _F-fuck_ ,” Lu choked out, barking out a short surprised laugh before the tears began to pour down her cheeks again.

“Goddamnit,” Cal whispered suddenly, looking floored as apprehension slowly dawned on her. “You love me back. God-fucking- _damnit_ , Lucy, you love me back!”

“ _B-back_?” Lu breathed, so wide eyed that Cal was genuinely worried that they were going to roll out of her head. “D-do you really mean -?”

“You fucking idiot,” Cal mumbled tearfully.

Neither of them knew who started the hug but they weren’t letting go anytime soon. Lu’s arms were iron-tight around Cal’s waist and the older girl was _shaking_ as she wrapped her arms around Lu’s shoulders, burying her face in the taller girl’s neck and inhaling the familiar smell of vanilla from the blonde girl’s perfume.

When Lu wrapped her arms even tighter around Cal’s narrow waist and tucked her face away too, pressing a soft kiss to the older girl’s neck, Cal felt something mend inside her (and when Lu let out a little sob and held the smaller girl closer still, Cal thought maybe Lu felt the same way).

“Where’d you leave Molly?” Cal whispered suddenly and Lu gave a watery laugh as she drew away, drying her eyes clumsily with the stretched sleeve of her grey sweatshirt.

“She’s in the car,” Lu mumbled, jerking her thumb towards a dented Chevy truck that Cal had never seen before, and it was so absurd - especially when Molly stuck her head up to bark at Cal through the window - that the dark-haired girl started laughing, even as the tears streamed down her cheeks so relentlessly that she could scarcely catch her breath.

“Why’re we so d-damn _stupid_?” Cal murmured, and Lu’s laugh was choked and sad.

“Not you. **Me**. _I_ was the stupid one,” the blonde girl breathed but her hands had stopped trembling as she cupped Cal’s soft face gently, peppering her cheeks with hundreds of tiny kisses. “I love you, Cally. I love you, _I love you_ , **_I love you_**... and I won’t ever forget it.”

“I love you too,” Cal whispered as the sun shone down on the empty car park and Molly barked louder, apparently keen for attention.

Lu’s smile was watery when she took a hesitant step back and Cal smiled shakily as she clasped the taller girl’s large hands in both of her own. They couldn't just pretend this hadn't happened, couldn't go back to the way they had been before but... but maybe that was okay too. Maybe this was what they were _supposed_ to do.

“Let’s start over,” Cal said quietly and Lu’s smile betrayed the fact that she hardly dared hope. “I’m Calandra. What’s your name?”

“That’s a weird name,” Lu said, just like she had all those years ago. Her sky blue eyes were sparkling with tears and the _love_ in Cal’s chest was making her head swim. “I’m Lucy. It’s lovely to meet you.”

“Would you maybe like to get a coffee sometime?” Cal suggested, her smile stretching across her tanned face so huge that Lu’s sapphire blue eyes shone.

“I’d really, _really_ love that,” the blonde girl promised.

When Cal abandoned their script and caught Lu’s lips in a brief kiss, it felt like coming home.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys didn't hate this! I'm super worried this one is awful so... yeah... fingers crossed you didn't think so.  
> Please let me know what you thought by leaving comments and kudos as it means the world!


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